Emails

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Nick Fury
From: Phil Coulson
Subject: Not What We Expected

Happy Turkey Day, Boss. Did Stark manage not to burn down the tower? Things will be taking a bit longer than expected. Widow is in deep and doesn't want to come out until she gets as much info as possible. Or until we have to pull her out.

---

To: Clint Barton
From: Phil Coulson

Did you forget to wear your cheer leading uniform or your lucky boxers yesterday? Is that why we lost? Tasha is safe but going deep. What do you know about flashbacks she's been having?

When do you ship out?

---

To: Tony Stark
From: Phil Coulson

Did you deep fry something yesterday without burning down the tower? How'd Rogers turkey come out? Have you put him in a French maid outfit or signed him up for culinary classes yet?

Btw, nice job with the Hawaii detour. But you forgot to invite me.

Comments

[agent_barton]

To: Phil Coulson
From: Clint Barton

My lucky boxers were ceremoniously tossed off the balcony last night after that game (and I use that word sarcastically). There may have been tears last night, Phil. It wasn't pretty.

I know she's been having the flashbacks. I think seeing Bucky again started triggering them, but I can't be sure of that. She's been trying things, like meditation, to make them go away, but I don't know how successful she's been with that.

I'm already gone, heading West as we speak, should be hitting the safehouse in a few hours. I'm not crazy about my 'uniform' for this mission, the off the rack business suits. At least I'm behind the scenes most of the time.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Clint Barton
From: Phil Coulson

You should have burned them. We'll have to find a new pair for you. Maybe next time, you and Stark should go to Vegas.

Yeah, well, she didn't tell me about them, so now I'm a bit concerned about the situation she's in.

What bugs you more? The fact that you're wearing suits or that they're off the rack?

You'll be fine. Just behave for your other handler and I'll give you a rewards when I see you.

[agent_barton]

To: Phil Coulson
From: Clint Barton

It was considered, but Tony said that JARVIS would have set off the fire extinguisher had I set fire to them. It was hard enough keeping up with Stark on an island in Hawaii, not sure where I'd end up if were in Vegas. I'd be like that guy in The Hangover, the one in the back of the trunk, naked. No thanks.

Banner knows about them, she asked him in a medical capacity, so at least she's not ignoring the situation. That's some comfort.

I can fill out a suit nice, Boss. But these aren't pretty. Why can't I have a sharp black one likes yours? ITS SO PRETTY. Preston is a decent enough handler, but she's not you, Phil.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Clint Barton
From: Phil Coulson

On stage in a showgirl costume?

That's the only reason I haven't pulled her out of Russia already.

I know you can. And you'd get bored as a handler. You want to be out in the fray. When you get old enough, I'll buy you a nice suit. Or you can ask Tony. I'm sure he'll buy you one for Christmas.

No one is me. Preston's good though. Don't break her, though.

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Coulson, Phil
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Your subject line feels unloved.

I resisted the urge. Next year though. Next year there will be deep frying of many things. Maybe I'll find my calling in cooking if you can count deep frying as cooking.

The turkey is great. And there should be enough leftovers that there'll still be some around whenever you two stop bumming around on your mission. Saving the maid outfit for when you're around to enjoy it. Can't actually convince him to do that and not get to see your reaction to it.

Next time, come and do the cool missions with the cool boys. We work hard and then play hard.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Coulson, Phil
Subject: Perhaps I am unloved.

I take it the Tower is still standing.

Russia is charming in winter. Or something.


Handling you on a mission might be bad for my health. You don't do well with listening to your elders.

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Coulson, Phil
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Pfft no such thing.

Still standing. It was still standing after an alien attack, some Thanksgiving cooking is nothing compared to that. We'll need a mini-Thanksgiving part 2 when everyone gets back considering I've heard stories about your work schedules and lack of holidays.

Cold too. We'll find you bad guys in Hawaii next time.


Hey now. We were epic in Uzbekistan. And you weren't any worse for health afterwards. Although...

I have a business proposition for you for when you get back.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Coulson, Phil
Subject: Why do you think we work for SHIELD?

Saving the world doesn't take holidays.

I'm partial to Bora Bora, or Fiji.

Epic in Uzbekistan sounds like the title of a porno.


Not sure when I'll get back. Talk to me.

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Coulson, Phil
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: obviously the hours and benefits

So I've heard. Hence the part two. Seems like the thing to do.

That is now noted on your file. You're welcome.

It needs more innuendo for a porn title.


Are you familiar with Gangnam Style?

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Coulson, Phil
Subject: It's the toys.

Nice of you.

Your file on me or Fury's file on me?

Epic Gongs in Uzbekistan?



Me in drag wasn't enough?

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Coulson, Phil
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: That's Stark Industries motto, you can't have it.

SHIELD's. Under important information it now says 'partial to Bora Bora or Fiji'. Again, you're welcome.


This wouldn't require drag. Although you pull it off well. Again, standing ovation on the Halloween show. I have a bet going. It'd be easier if it only involved drag. Instead it involves you, Steve, and Gangnam Style.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Stark, Tony
From; Coulson, Phil
Subject: Because I was overqualified for supernanny?

I see.

Another bet? What do I get in return? Also, how are you getting Rogers to agree?

[playboy_philanthropist]

To: Coulson, Phil
From: Stark, Tony
Subject: Considering who you nanny, you deserve the supernanny title

Yes. What do you want? No idea. That's the flaw in planning so far. But I really want to see how War Machine looks in pink...

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Stark, Tony
From: Coulson, Phil
Subject: You're the worst I ever had

I'm sure you have something I want. War Machine in pink? How about a hello kitty paint job?

We do have prototypes of the suit. Will anyone know it's not Rogers if they see the uniform?

[the_spy]

To: Phil Coulson
From: Nick Fury

Back at you, Coulson. I tell you what, those agents of yours know how to make a meal. If this whole 'saving the world' thing doesn't work out, they could realistically go into event planning. Haven't had macaroni and cheese like that in years.

Keep an eye on her. Listen to what she's saying, but if you feel she needs extrication, pull her and we'll deal with the fall-out later.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Nick Fury
From: Phil Coulson

Good to know they have other uses. If we solve the world's problems, we may need back up careers.

I will, Sir. But she's gone off-grid on us before in Russia.

[the_spy]

To: Phil Coulson
From: Nick Fury

I have the utmost faith in you, Agent Coulson. Don't let me down.

[agentphilcoulson]

To: Nicky
From: Phil

When have I ever let you down?